Confusion. A feeling that is too familiar.

It is that time in life [AGAIN] when I don't know what I am supposed to be doing next. My two-year TFA commitment is coming to an end in May. What the heck am I supposed to do now? I never thought I would continue teaching after my two years, but I actually want to do it for a bit longer.  I guess that is some sort of direction.

Here is where my confusion comes in:
1) I love working with my kids, but I don't want to teach forever. What do I do when I'm done teaching?
2) Where and what am I supposed to teach next year? This is what is killing me right now. I have so many thoughts running through my head about this right now (I will spare you.).

This is awful. Winter break gives me too much time to think, yet I cannot seem to make up my mind.

the reality of life and death

It is early for a Friday night, but I am exhausted.  I can't sleep though.  I have this feeling of helplessness that weighs heavy in my stomach. And heart.

One of my boys that I dearly love arrived to class very late in fourth period.  He never gets to school this late...   If he is that late, he just doesn't come.  Anyway, here he was.  I asked why he was so late - he just missed our unit test! He didn't know what to say; he just waved me into the hall.  He said his brother's wife (?) had a family issue.  Her brother and his wife were shot and passed away.  He looked and sounded different when he told me this. I had never heard this voice or seen this look in his eyes. I didn't know what to do.  I felt helpless. So did he. It was hard for me to hold it together the rest of the hour...

 He unexpectedly had to deal with death today.  Death is a reality I forget so easily.  He made me remember I need to appreciate life more.  Not just my life either.  As much as my students annoy and frustrate and torture me, I really care about them.  I easily forget this. 

I hurt because of his hurt.  Because of all of my kids' hurt.  Confused by my sadness,  today I said, "I need to stop getting so close to them." I realize that was the most selfish statement I have made in a while.  We need one another, I think. 

Snitches

If someone does something that is not right, a person needs to know.  This is how it always was for me anyway.  If someone hurts you, or someone else, you tell the person who can give the necessary consequences.  This is simple enough for me to understand.  Maybe I was just a goody goody (that's probably it).

I don't get it. Why does this "no snitching" mentality exist? Okay, I know why it exists, but I don't like it. This is heavy on my mind this week.

One of my kids was surrounded while older boys tried to take his stuff. He was shaken up and would not tell me who did it. Can't tell or you will get jumped or followed.
Wait, it wasn't just one. Another one of my boys had his phone stolen after school when four guys told him to empty his pockets. He was so angry he refused to go to any classes. He wandered around the halls looking for the kid who did it so he could "crack" him. He thinks he has to deal with this situation alone.
Done? No. Another one of my kids was surrounded, threatened, and his phone was taken after lunch. Luckily he went to one of our officers to look at the video. I didn't even think he would do that - I went to do it myself first. Sadly the phone was handed off and will never be seen by the owner again. The only reason he could snitch was because the guys who did it have no power (other than stealing). They won't retaliate for his act of snitching.

Everything is a game. Everything. Who has more power? Who needs to keep power? You can snitch because you have a bit of power. You can't snitch because you have very little. You don't need to snitch because you and your homies can jump the guy yourself.

I hate games.

I cried

I cried. For the first time since around September, I cried at school. This was the first time students saw it though. They saw me cry. I did not cry because my students are rough; I did not cry because I did not know what to do about a situation; I did not cry because I didn't know if I could survive like I did in August/September.  I cried out of frustration.

For the second time in less than a month, girls fought in my room during passing period. This time it started in the hall and was pushed into my room.  This isn't what frustrates me. I was, and still am, extremely frustrated about the fact that my students care more about fights than their education. Yes, it is exciting to them, but I don't care.  All they wanted to talk about the rest of the day was the fight. They get mad when I don't let them talk about fights; when I say I don't like it when they fight; when I make them work instead of watch the fight video. This frustration with the fact that my students cared more about a fight than anything else finally boiled over today. I cried. I had another teacher watch my class while I went to the bathroom to cry. And boy did I.

Here's the thing: although I was so frustrated (okay, I still am), my kids were the most caring and understanding people. Even my boys who didn't know a fight happened knew I was mad about something. They checked on me over and over again during passing period and even during classes. They got worked up about the fact that I was upset and threatened to beat the crap out of whoever made me mad. They told me they love me and they "need me here" (they thought I was going to leave because of this - yeah right). They apologized and offered to help me with anything I needed. It is good to know I am cared for by people I care SO much about. I just wish they would care more about their education and truly understand WHY I was so frustrated today.

It hit me while at prom last night that I'll miss my kids (yup, I went to prom and it was lovely/hilarious).  It made me wonder what my students would be like when they are old enough to go to prom.  I looked at those juniors and seniors and I was so proud of them.  I was honestly sad knowing I would not be around to see my students enjoy their prom (Okay, honestly I was more sad about the fact I would not get to see my students act as mature as these kids.).  Not just that, I was sad thinking about not teaching them next year.  Not getting to hear their silly stories everyday, their serious stories, and their rude comments about me. I really do enjoy my students. (As always, I must note that there are some I do not enjoy and really cannot stand to be around for 5 seconds, but let's not think about that right now.)  I'm going to miss them. Some are leaving for charter schools, private schools, or other districts. Some are dropping out (I want to kill them). And some will be back - but they won't be mine anymore. I won't be their teacher anymore. Gosh. I just love my little babies. I want so much for them. I want to see them become mature upperclassmen. I want to see them graduate.

I get it... well, maybe

I am constantly confused by my students.  I will never understand them fully; I don't think I want to either. One of the things that has baffled me: My students are so rude and disrespectful to me. They tell me how much they hate me and my class; they don't stop talking; they don't listen... (Let me say, this is not all of my students - some are fantastic and do what I say.) Here is the confusing part, though; they will defend me like crazy. They will do whatever it takes to get adults out of my room who they don't know (I don't like this, but they think they are helping.). They will tell others, "Don't mess with MY teacher! Watch out!" They are so defensive. I really don't get it. How can they be so terrible, yet defend me like crazy when the time comes?

I finally feel like I can relate to this. I get it... well, maybe. Maybe a little bit. I love my students. Really. I love them a lot. But I'll be honest with you - I'm nicer to some of them than others. If you give me attitude you better watch out, kid. It comes right back to them and often worse. I win (most of the time). I think most of them are terrible. They are gross. I am rude to them. BUT I am defensive. I recently found this out. I become angry and defensive if you mess with or generalize about my students. You know why? They are worth it. They are brilliant and funny and, although terrible, they mean the world to me. They deserve to be defended. Now, I don't know why they defend me but I sure know why I defend them. I understand the shift from awful attitude to defending someone. I just don't understand the reasoning.

Something has happened. Something has shifted inside of me that I don't like. Let me show you. Here is something I posted this summer:  "I'm a freaking mess. Yes, me. The girl who rarely ever cries. There have been countless times in LA where I have almost broken down and cried. Not because of my workload or how tired am. I don't care about that. It is because my students don't deserve this education. They deserve the best. I'm new and giving them the best is difficult - I can only try. Do you hear me? They deserve the best." 


I was passionate. Truly passionate about the journey that was to come. I mean, I may have just had too much TFA Kool-Aid, but I do not think that was the case. I remember making fun of TFA-like things at this time. I was just down right furious with the system. I wanted to hit some one or something because of it.  Now the only time I want to hit something is when a student makes me mad.  I was honestly in love with my students; even the ones I could not stand. What is this shift? I still believe my students deserve the absolute best. I really really do. I want them to have bright futures and knowledge and success and much more. But who have I become that I have lost such passion for this cause? For the present? For the future? I do not mean I want to bawl my eyes out about this extremely broken system, but I want to feel something. I need to feel something in order to be better. Conversations, like ones I mentioned in my last post, bring me back to where I need to be, but then I slip back. I shift back to this "whatever" attitude right when a kid cusses at someone or does not care anymore.


My students do not deserve this. This so-so teacher. I'm more frustrated with the fact that my students have to depend on me than I am with a broken system. I need to get my act together. I need to see why I am doing this again.

they hurt

First off, I just need to say I am a terrible teacher. I can't get all of my kids to understand math. Most of my students are NOT going to be prepared for MAP or the EOC at all. I feel all this pressure and want them to do well; I try to put interventions in place so they will be ready; nothing turns out to be successful. I just don't know what to do... Now that I got that off my chest, we can get to what I was originally going to talk about.

My kids are so strong. My heart broke for them at one point at the beginning of the year, but I grew numb to it all because it just seemed normal after a while. Then this week happened and 3 comments jerked me awake:

1) While assisting two of my students with factoring, I overheard one boy say, "No, he doesn't get out 'til October." What? Turns out his dad is in jail - police stormed his house a few years ago, ransacked the place looking for things (drugs), then took his dad. I know my kids have parents in jail, but I just didn't expect it with this specific student. He puts on the most precious smile every day, but I saw hurt in his eyes that day. My heart broke for one of my favorites.

2) A student who does not make the best decisions and "doesn't come to school to learn," came to me during my plan yesterday. He told me he was tired. He got, at most, two hours of sleep the night before (and probably every night that week). He hasn't been going home. He said he didn't care (as always), but he seemed so worn down. I almost cried telling him how I felt about his decisions. My heart hurt like he was my son.

3) During our class party today, one of my kids called me over because he had some serious questions for me that he was dealing with. He asked if it was normal to fight with parents at his age - he was genuinely worried (something I'd never seen with this student). He said he feels like he is at a low point right now. He wanted to make sure everyone had low points at times. I assured him that everyone experiences low points through life and he can get through whatever this is - he is strong. This student, one of my most loud, cheerful, popular students who makes me laugh too much, feels really low.

The unexpected conversations with students who hide hurt so well broke my heart big time. I pray for my kids daily, but I can't do anything to alleviate their brokenness. It hurts even more knowing how much I fail them daily. I want them to have the best.

favorite parts of the day

My students are silly little creatures. They are obnoxious and rude. They refuse to complete their work, put away electronics, and stop talking. They aren't even learning anything from me. At all. I have no idea how to effectively teach math and engage them for two class periods straight. But guess what. I absolutely love those weirdos. And some of them can at least tolerate me now. What an improvement.

Now that you know I love them, let me tell you about my favorite part(s) of my day - not the every-once-and-a-while happenings, but the things that annoyingly happen daily - the parts that make me really love a few of them (my favorites). A group of students come to annoy me multiply times a day, every day. This is how it works: A group will come sit quietly in my room for 5 - 10 minutes during 1st hour and refuse to go to their classes. Others will barge past me into my room at the end of passing period, walk around, sit down until I say something, then finally leave. Three will come challenge me to a dance off and eight more will meet to shuffle in my room during passing period. A couple randomly spill their guts in the halls or during class, making me promise not to reveal their "biggest" secrets. One stops by throughout the day just to "check on" me and see how my day is going. And three make fun of my laugh, facial expressions, sayings, and story of me getting punched in 7th grade. These daily events annoy me like no other (well, some of them), but they all make me laugh and cause me to love these students.

I want to tell you about specific events that have happened (good and bad) in my class and in other classes - like mastery, grade cards, recommendations, awkwardness, parent calls, venting, and so on -  but that would take me hours.

imPerfect

I have this problem. You see, I guess I just want everything to be perfect (at least when it comes to my classes). There, I admit it. This is a funny thing to me. It is a riot actually. I love imperfection; I find it fun and beautiful and real. Why is it that someone who enjoys imperfection so greatly desires perfection in this part of life? I don't understand myself sometimes. There is no way - NO WAY - my classes will ever be perfect. There is not one class in the history of classes that has ever nor will ever be perfect. I need to snap out of it. He is the only One who is perfect.

A strength of mine has always been my ability to reflect and find where I need to improve. I can do this so easily. The part that is so rough on me, though, is my inability to celebrate the progress I have made. I can easily point out success for other people who need (or don't need) me to. Yet I cannot do this for myself. How messed up is that? Come on. Today I am going to search out the steps forward I have made in my classes. This should be good for me.