the reality of life and death

It is early for a Friday night, but I am exhausted.  I can't sleep though.  I have this feeling of helplessness that weighs heavy in my stomach. And heart.

One of my boys that I dearly love arrived to class very late in fourth period.  He never gets to school this late...   If he is that late, he just doesn't come.  Anyway, here he was.  I asked why he was so late - he just missed our unit test! He didn't know what to say; he just waved me into the hall.  He said his brother's wife (?) had a family issue.  Her brother and his wife were shot and passed away.  He looked and sounded different when he told me this. I had never heard this voice or seen this look in his eyes. I didn't know what to do.  I felt helpless. So did he. It was hard for me to hold it together the rest of the hour...

 He unexpectedly had to deal with death today.  Death is a reality I forget so easily.  He made me remember I need to appreciate life more.  Not just my life either.  As much as my students annoy and frustrate and torture me, I really care about them.  I easily forget this. 

I hurt because of his hurt.  Because of all of my kids' hurt.  Confused by my sadness,  today I said, "I need to stop getting so close to them." I realize that was the most selfish statement I have made in a while.  We need one another, I think.