Something has happened. Something has shifted inside of me that I don't like. Let me show you. Here is something I posted this summer:  "I'm a freaking mess. Yes, me. The girl who rarely ever cries. There have been countless times in LA where I have almost broken down and cried. Not because of my workload or how tired am. I don't care about that. It is because my students don't deserve this education. They deserve the best. I'm new and giving them the best is difficult - I can only try. Do you hear me? They deserve the best." 


I was passionate. Truly passionate about the journey that was to come. I mean, I may have just had too much TFA Kool-Aid, but I do not think that was the case. I remember making fun of TFA-like things at this time. I was just down right furious with the system. I wanted to hit some one or something because of it.  Now the only time I want to hit something is when a student makes me mad.  I was honestly in love with my students; even the ones I could not stand. What is this shift? I still believe my students deserve the absolute best. I really really do. I want them to have bright futures and knowledge and success and much more. But who have I become that I have lost such passion for this cause? For the present? For the future? I do not mean I want to bawl my eyes out about this extremely broken system, but I want to feel something. I need to feel something in order to be better. Conversations, like ones I mentioned in my last post, bring me back to where I need to be, but then I slip back. I shift back to this "whatever" attitude right when a kid cusses at someone or does not care anymore.


My students do not deserve this. This so-so teacher. I'm more frustrated with the fact that my students have to depend on me than I am with a broken system. I need to get my act together. I need to see why I am doing this again.

they hurt

First off, I just need to say I am a terrible teacher. I can't get all of my kids to understand math. Most of my students are NOT going to be prepared for MAP or the EOC at all. I feel all this pressure and want them to do well; I try to put interventions in place so they will be ready; nothing turns out to be successful. I just don't know what to do... Now that I got that off my chest, we can get to what I was originally going to talk about.

My kids are so strong. My heart broke for them at one point at the beginning of the year, but I grew numb to it all because it just seemed normal after a while. Then this week happened and 3 comments jerked me awake:

1) While assisting two of my students with factoring, I overheard one boy say, "No, he doesn't get out 'til October." What? Turns out his dad is in jail - police stormed his house a few years ago, ransacked the place looking for things (drugs), then took his dad. I know my kids have parents in jail, but I just didn't expect it with this specific student. He puts on the most precious smile every day, but I saw hurt in his eyes that day. My heart broke for one of my favorites.

2) A student who does not make the best decisions and "doesn't come to school to learn," came to me during my plan yesterday. He told me he was tired. He got, at most, two hours of sleep the night before (and probably every night that week). He hasn't been going home. He said he didn't care (as always), but he seemed so worn down. I almost cried telling him how I felt about his decisions. My heart hurt like he was my son.

3) During our class party today, one of my kids called me over because he had some serious questions for me that he was dealing with. He asked if it was normal to fight with parents at his age - he was genuinely worried (something I'd never seen with this student). He said he feels like he is at a low point right now. He wanted to make sure everyone had low points at times. I assured him that everyone experiences low points through life and he can get through whatever this is - he is strong. This student, one of my most loud, cheerful, popular students who makes me laugh too much, feels really low.

The unexpected conversations with students who hide hurt so well broke my heart big time. I pray for my kids daily, but I can't do anything to alleviate their brokenness. It hurts even more knowing how much I fail them daily. I want them to have the best.