frustration

This whole winter break thing is giving me a lot of spare time (okay, I actually have a lot to do, but I need a break). With spare time comes blogging. Here we go. Again.

During college I wrote countless papers. I wrote about so many things I cannot even remember - I tried to look, but somehow many were deleted from my computer...? I researched, studied, and wrote about: students' perception of homelessness, dramaturgy, the perception of Asian women within immigration policies, the current education system, roles of women during the Mexican Revolution, and so on. Random. So many random papers that I loved. However, if you knew me well, you would have known my biggest interests in sociology revolved around gang structure/influence, youth, and race.

I have been interested in gang structure and influence since high school - this probably has to do with the fact that I am a sheltered, white, suburban girl interested in everything outside of my bubble. I was always fascinated. Here is the thing. I am still fascinated, but it is different when you love people involved in these gangs. This fascination shifts toward worry and frustration. I'm frustrated with the fact that some of my kids have gotten in huge fights just over someone flashing another gang sign. I'm frustrated with how much trouble my kids should be in because of the choices they have made - things I should not even write about in detail here. I'm frustrated when I have students come to me saying they don't want to fight or do this or that and they want to change, but they HAVE to go through with it. Just stop. Why? I'm frustrated that my kids' friends have died. I'm frustrated with the mindset some of my kids possess - I want them to know that it DOES matter if they live or die. It DOES matter that they graduate.  I'm frustrated beyond words. I can't make them change. They have to make choices. All I can do is love them, encourage them, teach them, and question them. I have to step up. I have to be more of a leader. I have to be the leader I planned to be. I have to surpass that. I have to push them more.
I have to love.