furious

I am furious. I am broken. I am in love.

I am furious. I have known my students in Los Angeles a little over a week now. During this time, I have seen how terrible the education system really is. Sure, I have read a lot about it and met people who have received a poor education, but this is personal. My 11th graders deserve every good thing in this world. They want to be doctors, pro athletes, dentists, police officers, and engineers. I truly believe they can do this. I just don't know how. I'm giving them all I can at the moment. But the question I want to shout at the top of my lungs in pure frustration is: Why the heck did their previous teachers let them slide by? Who will teach them next year? Why does our country allow this to happen?

I completely understand why one of my kids is so interested in our Cold War/communism unit.

I am broken. Even when I have a bit of free time on the weekends or this rare afternoon off, all I can do is think about my students. My heart hurts so much. I sometimes physically hurt / feel sick because of this. I'm actually crying as I write this. I'm not even talking tearing up. I'm a freaking mess. Yes, me. The girl who rarely ever cries. There have been countless times in LA where I have almost broken down and cried. Not because of my workload or how tired am. I don't care about that. It is because my students don't deserve this education. They deserve the best. I'm new and giving them the best is difficult - I can only try. Do you hear me? They deserve the best.

I met two boys yesterday who told me they want to go into the marines and then study music and engineering. They are amazing. Here is the thing. They want an awesome education. They want to transfer to a better school, but they can't. They are stuck until graduation.

And can I tell you about two of my boys? One is a seriously brilliant kid. He wants truth. He answers difficult questions. He asks difficult questions. He wants to know more. He comes up with the most beautiful responses within seconds. He is smooth and funny. I brag about him all the time. The thing is, he doesn't think he is smart. Another one of my boys is just awesome. He talks back. He has great conversations with me outside of class then falls asleep in class. He won't finish worksheets even when he knows the answer. He tells me he is lazy. He doesn't care about school. He just wants to ride bikes and shuffle all day. At the same time, he has high academic goals for himself.

I am in love. Anytime I talk about my day or my students (which is all the time), I say how much I love them. They are sometimes a handful, but I love them so much. I am furious with the system and can't stop thinking my students because of this love. I want to take them back to KC. If I could, I would. 18 days of summer school is not enough. I will never forget them. They don't understand the reason behind my lessons/consequences/rewards/laughter/awkwardness/questions... is my love for them.

I want them to have everything.