I cried

I cried. For the first time since around September, I cried at school. This was the first time students saw it though. They saw me cry. I did not cry because my students are rough; I did not cry because I did not know what to do about a situation; I did not cry because I didn't know if I could survive like I did in August/September.  I cried out of frustration.

For the second time in less than a month, girls fought in my room during passing period. This time it started in the hall and was pushed into my room.  This isn't what frustrates me. I was, and still am, extremely frustrated about the fact that my students care more about fights than their education. Yes, it is exciting to them, but I don't care.  All they wanted to talk about the rest of the day was the fight. They get mad when I don't let them talk about fights; when I say I don't like it when they fight; when I make them work instead of watch the fight video. This frustration with the fact that my students cared more about a fight than anything else finally boiled over today. I cried. I had another teacher watch my class while I went to the bathroom to cry. And boy did I.

Here's the thing: although I was so frustrated (okay, I still am), my kids were the most caring and understanding people. Even my boys who didn't know a fight happened knew I was mad about something. They checked on me over and over again during passing period and even during classes. They got worked up about the fact that I was upset and threatened to beat the crap out of whoever made me mad. They told me they love me and they "need me here" (they thought I was going to leave because of this - yeah right). They apologized and offered to help me with anything I needed. It is good to know I am cared for by people I care SO much about. I just wish they would care more about their education and truly understand WHY I was so frustrated today.

It hit me while at prom last night that I'll miss my kids (yup, I went to prom and it was lovely/hilarious).  It made me wonder what my students would be like when they are old enough to go to prom.  I looked at those juniors and seniors and I was so proud of them.  I was honestly sad knowing I would not be around to see my students enjoy their prom (Okay, honestly I was more sad about the fact I would not get to see my students act as mature as these kids.).  Not just that, I was sad thinking about not teaching them next year.  Not getting to hear their silly stories everyday, their serious stories, and their rude comments about me. I really do enjoy my students. (As always, I must note that there are some I do not enjoy and really cannot stand to be around for 5 seconds, but let's not think about that right now.)  I'm going to miss them. Some are leaving for charter schools, private schools, or other districts. Some are dropping out (I want to kill them). And some will be back - but they won't be mine anymore. I won't be their teacher anymore. Gosh. I just love my little babies. I want so much for them. I want to see them become mature upperclassmen. I want to see them graduate.