the switch

My heart hurts in a way it never has before. It is confused and frustrated and exhausted.

I left LA not wanting to leave. I loved my students there, and still do. They were very challenging. I squeezed through the cracks and wiggled my way into their hearts. They easily got right into mine. Saying goodbye to them was one of the hardest things I've done... or so I thought.

Let's jump to KC. To my surprise, I was switched from teaching high school social studies to middle school math. Math, really? Yikes. Did some professional development, training, and house searching that week, then jumped into teaching. This past week was my first week as an 8th grade math teacher. This really is the hardest things I've ever done. Ever.

I teach three classes. They are each two hours long. In a room with no air conditioning and almost no windows. Being in a sweltering room for two hours learning math is not an ideal situation for my bunch of 8th graders... or myself. My two Algebra 1 classes are great. They like to be a little sassy and complain, but altogether they are a joy. I get to be myself with them (well, my teacher self). I'm excited to see what happens. But, here comes the challenge.

My 8th grade math class is my last class of the day - the hottest part of the day. It is my biggest class. It is full of groups of friends and enemies. All week, they have yelled. It doesn't matter if I break groups up because they get up out of their seats, walk around, yell, curse, hit, and never stop talking. Never stop talking. I have asked for advice, followed advice, and kept going. There has been very little change. I just don't know what to do. I send at least 3 kids out of the room every day. They do not respect me at all. I look their age and I'm white. They hate me - some have said this to my face. I can barely eat because this makes me so anxious. I cried every day but one after this class. I am not a crier. Apparently I am now. What is this? I can't let my class continue to go on like this. Learning needs to happen. Respect must be developed. I just have NO CLUE what to do. I won't give up. They don't deserve that. I need a miracle.

My heart hurts. I do not know how to end this frustration. Lord, help me.