"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death. I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
AMEN"
-Thomas Merton

i do not exist, only You exist

Spanish time

Proverbio y cantares: XXIX (por Antonio Machado)

"Caminante, son tus huelles
el camino, y nada más;
caminante, no hay camino:
se hace camino al andar.
Al andar se hace camino,
y al volver la vista atrás
se ve la senda que nunca
se ha de volver a pisar.
Caminante, no hay camino,
sino estela en la mar."

I'm beginning to enjoy Spanish poetry - I never thought that would happen. You can interpret this poem how you want; I think it is neat. It kind of reminds me that God has some amazing plans for my life and He is creating paths. I have to go on these unmarked paths (create the literal path) by actually going, moving. I don't have to look back... [The poem is not actually about this, it just makes me think.]

i like it

"The eye cannot see Him, though He is visible. He is incomprehensible, though in grace He is manifested. He is beyond our utmost thought, though our human faculties conceive of Him. He is therefore equally real and great... our very capacity of fully grasping Him affords us the idea of what He really is... Would you have the proof from the works of His hands, so numerous and so great, which both contain you and sustain you, which minister at once to your enjoyment, and strike you with awe..." -Tertullian "The Apology," Ch. XVII

I find it interesting that we are all perfect yet completely imperfect at the same time.

A Love So Big

I think the reason I often think about and try to understand God’s love for me is because it is something so big I cannot grasp it. His love is never-ending, unconditional, undeserved by me, strong, and so many other amazing things. Here is a bit of what God has been showing me about His love lately – if I can even put it into words.

A few weeks ago the first five words of the song “How He Loves” really sunk into my heart. Ever since I heard this song I thought it was amazing, but these words did not really stand out – then boom, there it was. “He is jealous for me.” Woah. I hate the feeling of jealous – I do not like to feel it and I do not like it when others have to either. When a close friend, loved one, or even just a dumb crush is spending time with other people and you want to have that time with them, it does not feel good. I believe jealousy is a very strong feeling, especially if you love the person. God loves us and is jealous for us. That is just so strange for me to think about. It is difficult for me to even imagine. His love is bigger than any kind of love we can even dream of. His ways are higher than mine; His love is bigger than mine. I am causing God this painful jealousy when I give my attention to stupid things instead of Him on a daily basis. Gross. What the heck am I doing? Though I continue in my selfish ways, He continues to love me and bless me with His beauty. Dang. How He loves us.

The Lord is also continuously telling me to love people as Christ loves. He forgives always – it is forgotten. How often do I forgive and not forget. He hung out with and loved those that society pushed aside. We are to love the least – something I desire to do, but do not really know how. 1 Thessalonians 3:12 says, “May the Lord make your love increase and overflow for each other...” Let’s do it – love so big.

Lately I have been loving the book of Hosea. Hosea’s wife was adulterous, but God told Hosea to return to her and love her. It talks about how the Israelites turned away from God and could not understand when God helped them. Though they were adulterous, God loved them still – He loves His children. We are like Hosea’s wife, the Israelites, and so many others, either turning from God or just putting something small (like Facebook) before Him. Like the father in the prodigal’s son, He waits, welcomes us with a big hug, and celebrates at our full return to Him – whether returning from a total denial or returning to just spend a little more time with Him. Though we are weak and adulterous, God loves us the same – with a giant love.

I kind of feel like my relationship and love with the Lord should be like that of a husband and wife. His love is so big.

Not Knowing

I often say how much I dislike not knowing – not knowing what to do when making smaller decisions, like what to do on a certain day, and not knowing about bigger life events, like my major, my career, and the future/life in general. Not knowing is extremely frustrating to me, especially since I know I do not need to be worrying about things like this.

God will reveal, and does reveal, everything in His timing. When I look back, I realize why He did not show me what to do in the exact moment that I wanted. For example, I just changed my major to sociology – this is probably the third time sociology has been my major. It would have been easier if I had known this was actually supposed to be my major from the beginning and stuck with it. If I knew this from the beginning, though, I would not have experienced so many things that I have. All of this switching of majors was God’s plan. If I stuck with sociology from the beginning, I would have studied abroad this past fall like most people do who go abroad. This would have been my plan, but it was not the Lord’s. If I went abroad, I would not have gotten to work at Youthfront this past summer where I met some amazing people and hung out with the most precious campers. If I went abroad when I had planned, I would not have become an officer for Phi Lamb. I did not know, yet it turned out beautiful.

Not knowing my exact destination for a certain decision allows me to experience the scenery, the beauty of God. If my GPS was leading me somewhere that I did not know, I would just have to trust it and follow that path. If I then started to see the destination, a destination to which I knew the quickest, easiest route, but it gave me a roundabout way of getting there with unheard of roads that deviated from most common paths, I would be quite frustrated. Now I could go my way to reach the goal, or I could trust the GPS and follow that strange path (yeah, I know following these silly direction from a GPS would be dumb in real life, but this is how my mind works). However, these uncommon roads deviating from the norm may contain beautiful sights and experiences. It may take longer to reach the destination, but the loveliness, or even ugliness, of the road would be well worth the trip in the end. I feel like God almost always gives me the path that makes no sense, and despite some frustration, I love it.

I know God has the best plan for my life and will reveal each part to me in His perfect timing. I know not knowing is best for me. So why do I continue to desire to know?